The Quiet Watch of the Lion Mama

A long time ago on an airplane ride going from New York to Cleveland, I was the mother of four- and two-year old girls who instead of screaming or climbing, or generally making a nuisance of themselves as many young children on airplanes are wont to do, one was quietly tracing her letters, while the other was quietly playing with dolls. Tiger mother anyone? Yeah, um, nope. Anyone who knows me, and my personality type, Organic Freedom (NFP) also knows that I would do anything to keep my kids occupied so I could be left alone to read a People magazine — think candy, Benadryl, my iPhone, even Play-Doh. See, that whole personality type thing we keep going on about? Yeah, we're really born that way.

Not to diss Ms. Chua, even though she has yet another "controversial" book out that once again really isn't that controversial once you read past the back cover — she does have the most brilliant marketing people — but there's a lot of different successful animals in the world and I'm no tiger. I'm more like a lazy lion, hanging out in the sun keeping a watchful, yet distant eye on my kids as they cavort and play. The only reason my children are good on airplanes is because the first one is a natural "Tiger" kid, and the second one is an introvert, i.e., naturally quiet. (And the third one is still under two, so there's not even a chance for reading People until she hits three unless I want Air Marshalls to ground the flight.) This isn't to say that we can't or shouldn't provide structure, guidance, and discipline for our children, but now that my big girls are 11 and 8, I find myself noting again just how different they are, especially around homework and school.

My 11 year old had a severe reading disability which really discouraged her natural Tiger for a while. She didn't actually learn to read until she was 8 years old. This has hindered a lot of her learning, but because of her natural perseverance, need for structure and to get things done and feel praise, she has mostly overcome her disability. While the teacher who taught her how to read was great, the classroom itself was a bit chaotic and I always had the feeling that she'd do better in a more structured environment. Well now she's in a new school, one that requires uniforms, has lots of rules, and a strict code of conduct. Without even having to nudge her, she makes sure she's ready for school the night before, has her uniform laid out the night before, weather appropriate and or gym clothes if it's a gym day. She's also taught herself how to prioritize her homework, owning her inner "Tiger" which we liken to Classics (SJ), Smart Structures (NTJs) and Organic Structures (NFJs).

Now my other daughter — the one quietly playing on the airplane as a child — is now 8 and has never had a learning disability and this has not been so good for her, at least where academics are concerned, as this, combined with her sweet personality means she's been able to slide. She's still an introvert, but she recently ran for student council on the platform of "Let's have homework only one night a week." She waits until the last minute, just like I used to do, and often doesn't finish. She never has her clothes ready for the next day, and usually comes close to failing gym every year — even though she's naturally athletic —  because she forgets to bring her sneakers, which is pretty much the only way you fail gym in her school.

Now if my husband and I had more structured personality types ourselves, we'd make sure the 8 year old did her homework right after school and not let her beat to her own drum, but we aren't and while it bugs my logical Smart Freedom (NTP) husband more, I'll probably crack the whip (a bit) next year as how you do in fourth grade determines your choices for Public Middle School in New York City, but since I suspect she's more like me — either an Organic Freedom (NFP) or a Fun Freedom (SFP) — I know she's always going to push against me on this and sometimes, okay, lot's of times, I'm not going to want to fight.

Yes, I want my kids to do well in the world, but I also want them to learn to make mistakes and learn about consequences on their own. I want them to find the best way to make their way in the world using their innate personality types to their advantage, and learning when they have to push against their natural inclinations to do well. I was just talking to my 8 year old and her similar in personality type best friend the other day about why they had both had bad days because neither had gotten to do "Choice Time" on Friday. This happens when you don't do your homework. Ah, sweet motivating consequence. We talked it over and I told them about what they could do to change that bad day into a good one the following week. And guess what? Homework's been done every day this week. Albeit done about 1/2 hour before bedtime, but still, it has gotten done.

The Quiet Watch of the Lion Mama